Yesterday, boy oh boy, yesterday was a day. I had to deal with something that was a HUGE elephant in the room, not really being ignored by me, but I felt, being ignored by my husband. Today, looking at it through eyes of clarity and peace, I am no longer angry about my perceived hurt of being ignored. This was a topic that I'd been dealing with on my own for MONTHS, trying to get him involved, explaining how deeply it was affecting me, to no avail. Today, through the clarity (and a massive surge of Grace from our Heavenly Father), I am slowly grasping that my husband heard my words, he just didn't hear my needs or how deeply I was hurting. This, the perceived slights and my hurts, will heal with time. This is, once again, God knocking on my head, reminding me that He created Men and Women differently. This is not good or bad, it just is. So, I'm feeling OK (not wanting to physically injure my husband... at one point, I wanted to cut off his ears and then physically dig out the inner workings of his ears, since I figured he apparently wasn't using them anyhow, and if he were physically deaf, I couldn't be angry with him) .... so now, I'm feeling OK with things... I had to do something yesterday that I had to do. I had to reach to the inner-most part of my being, pull up my cow-girl boots, put on my big girl undies, and (most difficult of all) restrain my overwhelming emotions. Now, it should be said that I am a cry-er. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm happy. I cry at the end of JUST ABOUT EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE (Remember the movie Cool Runnings - it leaves me sobbing for 2 hours EVERY TIME I see it). I'm a cryer
I don't intend to be cryptic in any of this. I feel like I've shared every single detail that I can share without violating trust and privacy. I feel like I've gotten my point across. My point is that I did something yesterday that I didn't want to do. I did something yesterday that I didn't think I could do. I did something that I could never have imagined myself doing. I did something that I didn't think I had it in me to do. I trusted fully in God to guide me through something that I could not have not peacefully done by myself. I showed love and compassion to a situation that had me absolutely raw and ragged with emotion and I did it without injuring people who I care about very much, people who already knew that I was extremely hurt by their actions. I can't say that I'm proud of myself, because I hope I never have to do anything like that again. But I feel empowered by the Grace of God. I feel STRONG in HIS Strength. I feel renewed in my spirit and empowered as a parent and wife. I feel like I've found my voice and I've learned that even though I say something, I need to be more forceful in my words if I have needs that are not being met. I know my husband wants to protect and embrace and provide for my needs, but if I am not clear in my expression of those needs, my feelings of loneliness will only continue.
My Friends, find your voice. You all know I am an outspoken, loud, assertive, loving woman. You know that I will fight to the end to get the needs of my children met. I am an outspoken advocate for our lifestyle, for my God, for so many of the things that we hold near and dear... and YES, I will continue to advocate for, among other things, my children, special needs children, epilepsy advocacy, a natural lifestyle, natural health, healthful foods, home cooking, raising, growing our own food, preparedness, raw milk rights, small scale farming and sustainability, homeschooling, vaccine choice and so many other things... I'm still going to be loud about these things because they are important to me. But, from now on, I am also going to advocate, for the first time EVER, for my well-being, for ME being heard. I can't help anyone or advocate for anyone or anything when I am feeling ignored, unloved and unheard. I can change MY outlook and change MY methods in order to be heard and understood. And I vow to never ignore the needs of others who have felt the pain of feeling unloved and ignored because although their words may have been heard, their needs are unheard and unmet. Be gentle to yourself and others, my friends. We have our God and we have each other. Be kind. Love. Treat others with compassion and peace. Sending you Love and Peace. ♥