Monday, February 13, 2012

The Depths of Winter, The Depths of Grief... The Depths of STUPIDITY

Hello Friends!

It has been a while. I'm finding myself needing to start writing again but find myself in the conundrum of repetition.  I feel like the same things, over and over, will be said and I get bored with me.  That aside, this Winter has, indeed, been repetitious.  Lots of mourning and grieving for my sister, it really is a process that I am definitely unsure how to navigate.  Lots of the "pity look" asking me how I'm doing... followed by the ever - present smile inevitably fading and  turning quickly into tears.  It isn't really that I'm faking the smiles, in fact, life is going well... we're busy, we're working, the boys are relatively healthy, even the pretty one (Lyla - Jonah's service dog) is cancer - free and back to her duties full time.  We've had fun traveling as a family, I got to take a mini- getaway with my hubby... Things are good. So, no, the smiles are not faked... they're genuine.  But so are the tears.  I've been able to slide away from the constant, gnawing, raw grief that comes and seems to stay for so long after a loved one dies.  I have come to find myself in the stage of grief that lingers.  I hear a song that reminds me of her, I burst into tears.  I see a sweater that I know she would have loved, I burst into tears.  I use the bottle of white out that she left behind, I burst into tears.  I use that white out a lot, it is drying up.  I can't bring myself to replace it.  The mere thought of throwing it away sends me into a crying fit.  It sounds kind of bad, but I have to tell you, I'm getting rather tired of crying.  I am a pretty emotional girl.  I cry frequently... when I'm happy, sad, angry, when I see a picture of a cute puppy or a newborn baby nursing. I cry.  I cry, it is cleansing, I get over it, I move on.  I don't like having a situation that I can't just "get over".   I am going on faith that I am experiencing grief exactly as I need to and that this is huge and I'm not going to just get over it.

   So, That said... next time you see me and you ask me how I'm doing and I burst into tears, please know, it is because I appreciate you taking the time to check on me.  I'm not crying because you asked me, I'm crying because those feelings are always right there on the edge still...and I'm not very good at concealing my feelings.  I wish I were, but I'm just not.  Please don't think for one minute that I'm crying because of your question... I cry because I miss my sister.  I cry because I am so deeply angry with my sister.  I'm mad at all of the years of mistreatment that I was dealt by her.  I'm so mad that her selfishness and manipulation ultimately robbed me of my only sibling.  When my parents are gone, I won't have my sister to hold.  I'm angry at her to this day for taking that from me.  I don't suppose that is something that will go away any time soon, huh?  That is something that I've been struggling with, emotional baggage I've been juggling with since I was 20 years old and her mental illness started.  It isn't going to go away because she's been dead for 8 months.  I'm growing and learning and processing and coping.  It isn't easy, and, for the most part, the anger is lessening, but there are days like today... well, I look at the snow and I think of her, the wind whipping around (sick and funny at the same time...) but it makes me think of her insane personality... funny and warm one minute and then wickedly diabolical the next.  She really wasn't mean spirited to her family, but she had a mischievous, devious prankster side to her that always made us all wonder what was next. 

  SO...Sister stuff... a constant over the past few months... Painful, headache - inducing, heart - wrenching.  The other constant in the past few months has been frustration at the general public about the dog.  Folks... she's a service dog.  She is wearing a vest.  I even have her little ID tag right there on her vest. Retail folks: You are LEGALLY allowed to ask me if she is a service dog for a person with a disability.  I am LEGALLY required to tell you Yes. Now GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY AND LET US LIVE OUR LIVES.  When you prevent me from getting on an escalator or staircase or elevator with my child, you are opening yourself up for litigation.  I'm beginning to tire of the stupidity.  How extremely observant of you that you noticed my child is not visually impaired.  Service dogs are not just "seeing eye dogs" anymore. 

  We are amazingly blessed to have Lyla

   I guess it makes sense... Mama's tired.  I need to go easy on myself because I know I'm dealing with these things and when these kinds of stressors are added to work, homeschooling, farm stuff, three kids with wacky medical needs, coming off of a service dog with wacky medical needs, a hubby who travels for work, lots of family travel for work... I need to realize that I'm only human (EEK... someone actually pointed this out to me the other day - I hadn't ever verbalized that before... but yes... I am only human...) and can only do so much.  I want an invincibility shield all around me so that none of it will affect me and I can keep going at Super Human speed and strength.  Until that happens (anyone know where I can find one?)... I'm taking it one day at a time.  Today sucked.  I hope tomorrow is better.  If it isn't, maybe Wednesday's my day.  I love you, Friends.... for loving me, praying for me and just being you.  Thank you.


  1. I have been wondering how you are doing. Writing is always helpful for me. It helps me sort out my feelings and sometimes, move past them. Hope you find some smiles today.

  2. Oh,Jen...I am so sorry you have been going through all of this...I didn't know. Now I understand why I haven't noticed you in group lately.What alot to try and deal with.It's ok to have a bad days or a few and it's alright to cry when you need to.I am glad things are a little better...Hugs!God Bless! cj